Hiya guys. I’ve not died. Nor have I beaten my partner to death in a lockdown fury and been sent down for life. I’ve been busy dadding (verb), working, and when time allows for it, writing – not this gash that you’re reading right now, no, I've been writing fiction. I can bash out a …
Coronavirus Part 5
Alright, alright, al-fucking-right. DC broke the rules. I’m not gonna back him, the tosser. I just think: what’s done is done. Ya know? What Bozza should be doing, really, is fining the cunt. What’s the maximum penalty for breaking lockdown? Seventy quid? A grand? I don’t know because, like most, I’ve not been fined during …
Where Do You Stand On Cats?
The answer is their necks. With all this CV-19 crap going on, I almost forgot how much I hate cats. I was quite discourteously reminded of my hatred of the small feline when one of the many scratty little shitbags successfully attempted, for the millionth time, to invade my garden. He raped and pillaged his …
Coronavirus Part 4 (and poorly executed lockdown tips)
Right. Boris is out of hospital. This is, of course, good news. We’re happy for him, we’re happy for his family and we’re happy for the idiots that clapped for him. The whole thing most definitely wasn’t a scare tactic. Definitely not. It wasn’t fear-mongering; but if it was, which it wasn’t, it did scare …
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Coronavirus part 3
‘These are unprecedented times.’ Yes, Rishi Sunak, we know. ‘These are unprecedented times.’ Yes, ITV News anchor, Tom Bradby. Thank you. We know. ‘These are unprecedented times.’ Yes, milkman. We fucking know. These are unprecedented times. Unless you’ve been in a coma for the last few weeks, everyone, obviously, knows. Solutions. Not problems, man. And I know, …
Corona virus part 2
I'm certain nobody needs an update, but as we're all self-isolating, what the hell else am I supposed to do? Let me tell you . . . assuming this (now) pandemic ever turns into a full-blown apocalypse, I’m fucked. I consider myself pretty good at only three things on this earth and they are writing, …
Corona virus
Call me a cynic, man, but . . . is it real? Is it just a conspiracy conjured in the demented mind of the supermarket giants? Fucked if I know, dude. But let me tell you one thing: amongst the piles upon piles of bog roll now residing in the houses of the greedy, and …
Five Ways To Cure Boredom
Admittedly, the title is rather misleading. It suggests that I have the cure-all answer to tedium. It’s more of a plea . . . Please, can somebody tell me how to cure boredom? I've tried five things today. On Saturday, of all days! I’d just finished work, and I had the family tagging along in …
Apologies for being so slack. Here’s my excuse…
I'm sorry I haven't posted anything for a while. Having started this blog I soon realised that I don't have time for the damn thing. It's not that I don't enjoy it. I do. It's just that as a Dad with two annoying kids—one of whom refuses to sleep, the other refuses to wake up …
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How To Cure A Hangover In 6 Easy Steps.
Holy Shit I Feel Shit. It was my one-year-old’s first birthday party yesterday. Happy Birthday, my beautiful little baby girl. Now I have a horrendous hangover and I’m in search of a cure... A metaphorical search, of course; because my body isn’t moving from this here toilet that I’m currently perched upon. I feel like …
