Coronavirus Part 4 (and poorly executed lockdown tips)

Right. Boris is out of hospital. This is, of course, good news. We’re happy for him, we’re happy for his family and we’re happy for the idiots that clapped for him. The whole thing most definitely wasn’t a scare tactic. Definitely not. It wasn’t fear-mongering; but if it was, which it wasn’t, it did scare a lot more people into staying indoors. That can only be a good thing.

The guy is indebted to the NHS. He said so himself. If I were Mr. NHS, I’d be asking Bozza for that extra £350m a week he promised during the scandalous Brexit campaign. That’d be a good starting point towards paying off some of that debt.

Boris’ visit to the ICU has taught the nation that this monster can impact any single one of us in a bad way. Perhaps the UK needed this to happen for its people to really comprehend the danger we’re in. I do hope so because I really want a Greggs and pint: the more we shut up and conform, the closer we are to that elusive glass of amber nectar, and (hopefully) a warm sausage roll.

I was on lockdown myself last week. I’m a key-worker (God knows why) and I still have to work, but I booked this particular week off last year, way back when the pandemic was but a twinkle in the eye of some Chinese bioengineer. I’d like to share with you a few tricks I’ve picked up to help prevent insanity.

• Learn a skill – not that I did this, per se. I’m already awesome at everything. Seriously though, when are you next going to be stuck in the house with weeks to spare? Probably never. So turn off The Fucking Tiger King and pick up that old acoustic guitar that you swore to learn ten years ago, or dust off that book from the bookshelf and grab some culture. Download a podcast that teaches you maths, or poetry, or juggling, or taekwondo, or tiddlywinks. Get in the kitchen and learn to cook. Learn a new language. Do something you always wanted to do but never got around to. Keep yourself busy. Mould your mind, man. There are only so many times a day you can hover your house and polish your sword.

• Don’t drink too much booze – I must admit, I didn’t really adhere to this one either. It’s that old cliché: do as I say, not as I do. I had three family birthdays to celebrate last week though. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

• Vent – if something is pissing you off, socialise. It’s so very important that you don’t lose touch with reality. Keep in touch with friends, family, colleagues, etc. If you need to vent, then vent vent vent! Call your mum and check in with her, see how she is. Give your gramps a text. Send a picture of a cock to your mates, whatever. Just don’t wallow in self-pity in the darkness on your own. My little family and I had some fun with the Houseparty app. If you haven’t already, give it a try.

• Joe Wicks – those of you who know me will know I don’t often take too kindly to bellends from Essex, with the exception of one Jamie Oliver, of course. (Legend.) I was kind of forced into doing the PE with Joe thing by my partner and my kids, and I’m happy that I did it. I quite like the guy, actually. It’s not a myth or a joke – exercise makes you feel better. I strongly recommend it to anyone who’s not yet tried it: Mon-Fri, 9 a.m., on YouTube.

• And finally – read my shit blogs as and when they appear.

Mic drop.

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